Why England is Better than the USA

My response to the question in Quora “In what ways is your country better than the US?”

Speaking as an Englishman, I think it’s fair to say the colony which now calls itself the USA was a failed experiment. Essentially, anyone who was a lunatic in the 17th and 18th century was encouraged to go to the Americas where it was hoped that the fresh air and wide-open spaces could do them some good. (We sent our criminals to Australia for much the same reason). This saved on building institutions.

The religious lunatics were the ones we were most keen to export to the Americas given the British have always had mixed feelings about God, being unsure as to whether we should worship Him or He should worship us. We’re reasonably sure God is British, and all we ask is for some patriotism.

So there they were, a bunch of loonies running around the prairies chasing bison while we looked after them and protected them from the French, and suddenly they decided to stop paying their taxes. They wanted everything on welfare, basically. They said ‘Thanks for the help, don’t stop giving it, but we’re not paying for it.’ Of course, we said ‘No’, and they got silly and started chucking our tea into the sea while dressed as native Americans so they wouldn’t get the blame.

When we sent in the nurses they mistook them for soldiers, and started attacking them. By that stage we’d had enough, so we left them to it to sort it out. We weren’t bothered by that stage, we had India, the Americans meant nothing to us. History lessons in England talk a great deal about India. In most history text books, the loss of the American colony gets a sentence or two.

The most ridiculous thing the Americans did was declare their independence. That meant they were condemned, forever, to be foreigners. Think about it. ‘Foreigner’ is an English word, invented by the English, to mean anyone not English. So when they said they were no longer English but kept the language, they were condemned to eternal foreignerdom by their own language. They are even foreigners in their own homeland. Silly really, but remember we’re dealing with loonies here.

Since then they’ve come a long way culturally. They invented Mickey Mouse. And Donald Duck. And er… well, that’s about it, but it’s something to show for over a quarter of a millennium and is more, quite frankly, than we believed them capable of doing.

The English are a patient people, and we’re willing to wait around for a while longer for them to grow up, snap out of it, and drag their heels back to the motherland where they will be welcomed provided they pay their back taxes. And replace the tea. And stop banging on about God so much and get Him in perspective.

So… what’s better about England than the USA? Well… just about everything, really.

I should add here that I respect Americans. Some of my best friends are Americans. Well no, not really, but one of my best friends, an Englishman, once saw an American on a bus and said he looked okay from a distance. At least he didn’t dribble or anything.


4 thoughts on “Why England is Better than the USA

  1. You are a NUT, Mr. Marchetto. You should be here, instead of there. You would fit right in!

    Glad to know you haven’t lost your sense of humour. You know we Yanks are The Best (or… we were… until the 1990’s…).

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